Letter 7: Last Blog To A Baby.

Hadley,

You are 11 months old. We are 12 days away from your first birthday. I wanted to write this blog to my baby. In a few short days you will be considered a toddler. Even though, no matter how you dislike it, you will always be my baby. To the world, you are growing. You are becoming more like the kid you will be and much less like the baby Daddy and I brought into the world about 1 year ago. I have so much I want to say to you in this letter.

About 2 weeks ago, I was at my breaking point with worry for you. Frankly, I need to have my internet disconnected. There is just too much information at my finger tips and I think I would have been better off in a simpler time. Where babies were born and they grew. They did things when they did them. If there was a problem, the doctor told you. Not the internet. I digress. Momma was worried about you. You weren't meeting mobility milestones the way I thought you should be and the way "every other baby except you" was meeting. So, I told your dad (who thought I was overreacting) and we made an appointment for my peace of mind. I answered several questions about how you get around (or didn't) and that you relied on me for standing up, you weren't crawling, etc. The doctor listened to my answers and came to the following conclusion: I am a helicopter parent. OH MY! Basically, I needed to leave you alone! If I was always there to pick you up when you cried or stand you up when you were bored, well, how will you ever learn to do it on your own? I was given strict orders to cease and desist. If you wanted me to pick you up, then you needed to find a way to get to me. Well, guess what? 10 days later you are pulling up on your own and crawling (well, crawl/scooting). I've never in my life been so glad that something was 100% my fault.

You are saying a few words now, too. Dada (you love dada!), dog, HEY!, and occasionally mama. Very occasionally.

I feel very ambivalent about your first birthday. On one hand, its all very exciting. Dad and I survived the first year of parenthood with minimal scars. We've learned a lot about each other and how to handle complex life situations. You are learning more everyday and becoming mobile and we long to see the next thing you will do. To see you walk. To hear you talk. To take you to Disney World. All of those things are coming and we can hardly wait to experience it. But, on the other hand, I will miss my baby. Gone are the days when I could hold you for hours and you were content like that. Gone are the days when my arms could stand to hold you for hours :). I will never get to hear you coo or experience your first smile or laugh again because those are memories. In one aspect, I wished those days away. Small babies are a difficult labor of love. There wasn't a whole lot, in my opinion, that was a whole lot of fun in infancy. Now that those days are behind us, I realize just how precious they were. Sometimes, I long to have them with you again.

Your MiMi has always told me that no matter how old I am, I will always be her baby. She still calls me her baby. I'll be 25 next week. I'm, of course, not a baby. But I understand this now. No matter where you are in life. 12 months, 12 years. Young man, old man. You are my baby. I'm thankful for your life. I'm grateful you were given to me to keep watch of. To protect your innocence. To raise. To love. My love for you comes without condition. No matter where you are or what you choose in life, I will love you. When things are good or when things are bad. When I agree with your life choices and even when I don't. I will love you because I'm your mother and you are a part of me. I'm thankful to God for a mothers heart.

Here is a picture of what you look like right now. Exceptionally cute, of course.

walking around the house with mom


at old macdonalds farm with dad

Nobody loves you like I do.

Love,
Momma

Letter 6: Almost 10 months old.

Hadley,

Well, a lot has happened since my last letter. You were 6 months old, and then you were almost 10 months old. Not sure how that happened...but happen, it did.

On 11/4/11, your cousin Bella Rae Warner was born. This was our first time to leave your for more than just a night, and I think it was probably good for both of us! Although I missed you terribly, you stayed with Mimi and had a wonderful time while Daddy and I went to be with your Uncle Nathan and Aunt Amy for the birth of their beautiful baby girl. Here she is:


And then we left you with Sher Bear while we went on a cruise before Christmas with friends. I know you both had a great time and bonded and I know I definitely missed you more than you missed me! Which, for a mom of a baby, is a good thing! :)

You had a great Christmas with family and lots of presents! Many more presents than you need, but you sure do love them all! We enjoyed your first Christmas so much! You have brought the fun of Christmas back to your dad and I! We finally have someone to share the magic with.








Then, in January we took a Trip to New Orleans and surprised your Uncle Nathan. This was your second trip to New Orleans, but your first trip since Bella has been born. We had a great time and got lots of great pictures. Traveling is much more difficult with a baby, though. I won't candy coat that fact one bit! While we were there, we also picked up our new Great Dane puppy, Emery. She is very cute and sweet, even though she drives me to the brink of insanity sometimes, she loves you very much.





Mom has learned lots of things about your personality these passed few months.While I already knew a great deal about you, of course, you are now beginning to come into your own and that has been both wonderful and challenging. Here's the bottom line on Hadley: If you don't like it, everyone is gonna know it. You are going through an "attached to momma" phase right now. You want me in your eyesight at all times. Period. If I'm not, you light it up, and I don't mean maybe. This is a normal and natural baby phase, but sometimes, I wear earplugs if I just have to put get stuff done. ;) You are already so much like me. Your fuse is short and when you don't like something, it doesn't take much of that to really tick you off. For example, we are working on crawling and pulling up right now, and you frankly think that it's for the birds. Why crawl when momma can carry you, right? HA! Well, it has taken me many moons to get you to stay on that tummy for longer than 5 minutes without a stage 5 meltdown. But you are now scooting and pushing up on all fours. You will be all over the place in no time and I will long for these days of staying put. All of that being said, you are so sweet and happy 90% of the time. You smile and laugh and play very well all day. You love to give Dad and me kisses and hugs, and wave "bye bye!" and look in the mirror at yourself and even give yourself kisses in the mirror. Even you know how cute you are! Bath time is always so much fun. You look in the little silver overspill drain at me behind you and turn around and crack up! You just think mirrors are so hilarious. And you know what, to a 9 month old, they are! Everything is new and different. Your little brain is a sponge and you soak it all up with a smile on your face.

I have learned a lot about motherhood these passed few months, as well. Theodore Roosevelt said, "Comparison is the thief of joy," and he's right. There have been many nights that I have gone to bed and told your dad, "Why won't he just crawl already?! There are babies younger than him that are almost walking!" And your sweet dad will say, "Because he's Hadley. He's not those other babies." He is also right, though I hate to admit that. ;) You are your own person. You will do everything in your own time. You are perfect just exactly the way you are, and when you are ready, you will do what comes next. You are smart. You are growing. You are happy. You have 2 parents who adore you and a host of family members who love you, too. What else should I feel but joy? You are Hadley. I'm glad you are not any other baby but YOU.

Everywhere we go we get stopped and told what a precious baby you are. Everyone loves that red hair and those big blue eyes. What's not to love? You are precious, and you will always be precious to me. My sweet little bubby.

Nobody loves you like I do.

Love, Momma

Letter 5: Catching Up

Bubbers,

It's been a while since I've had the time to sit down and write, so this is going to be full of fun stuff! We went to Shreveport, LA for your first official Patrick Family Reunion. Last year at the Family Reunion, we announced that we were pregnant with you! Here are a few pictures of your first reunion:

From Left to Right, Your Great Aunt Donna, 3rd Cousin Lisa, YOU, Great Great Grandma Jearldine Patrick.


Your Great Grandpa, Pop Mack. I love this picture.


You and Daddy!


Your Aunt Amy covered you in Bella's diapers. Who, by the way, will be here very soon!

We moved from your first house on September 8, 2011. You were just 3 days shy of being 5 months old. This was an emotional time for me. Packing up your nursery was difficult and nostalgic. I remembered when we got up EXTREMELY early the day after Thanksgiving 2010 to get your furniture. I remember when it finally arrived and Daddy and his friends moved it into the room and your Grandpa Stephen and Daddy put the crib together.

Bryan Swanson, Jon Crump and Dad


Grandpa Stephen and Dad putting your crib together


Mom and Dad with the finished product. And you in my tummy!

But, we moved on to bigger and better things that God has in store for our family so we know its the right thing! Sometimes life is happy and sad at the same time.

On September 19th you had your first bite of real food! Pears!


And you loved it!


Your favorite things to eat right now are butternut squash, pumpkin and any fruit, especially peaches and pears. We are working on green beans. :)

You turned 6 months old on October 11. You are 17.5 lbs and 26.5 inches long! You have come a long way, little man and you are growing like a weed. The most precious little weed I've ever seen! We are approaching your very first Halloween. We went to our first neighborhood fall festival and you wore your costume. You were a hot dog, because we just wanna eat you up!




I just wanna squeeze you because you are so darn cute! The most fun time of year is upon us and I can't wait for your first Thanksgiving and Christmas. You are very fun and smiling all the time. I hope that you know in whatever way your little 6 month old brain can comprehend it, that you are loved so much. So much it hurts! My heart aches sometimes with love for your daddy and you. It is a deep love that I've never felt before. You two are the best things that ever happened to me. I love you completely!

Nobody loves you like I do!

Love, Momma

Letter 4: A Cherished Moment

Hadley,

You are a very routine baby. I learned very early in your life that you need a routine. You don't do well with sleeping all over the place and you don't do well with inconsistency. So, as much as I tried to make you an "on the go" baby, it just wasn't hap-nin! So, when I embraced a schedule I found that it made everyone's life so much easier. You are happy all the time (unless you are overtired-which I do my best to avoid) and we both know what to expect from our day. You eat at the same time everyday, and you sleep at the same times everyday with little deviation. As a matter of fact, you have been sleeping 12 hours a night since you were about 8 weeks old! It works for us, and I love it. You are early to bed and early to rise! 6:30 pm to 6:30 am like clockwork. :) I love it! Did I say I love it? Honestly, though, the schedule is the best thing I did for you, and I'm writing that here so I don't forget how awesome it is for your future brothers or sisters that I hope you have someday.


Tonight after our bedtime routine of what we have lovingly come to call the "Triple B's" (bath, bottle, bed) you were still awake. This is a rarity. You are usually either sound asleep or so sleepy that you are fussy and ready to be put down in your crib. Tonight however, when I took the bottle out of your mouth you were still staring up at me with wide eyes. So I just started talking to you softy and kept you close. I said, "Hello sweet boy." and you smiled so BIG! I kept talking to you, saying "Mommy loves you. Mommy will always love you no matter what. Nobody loves you like Mommy loves you" and you would just smile and laugh! It was so sweet it brought tears to my eyes. I could have held you there all night long talking to you that way.

You have brought joy to my life that I have never known. Your Daddy and I are so richly blessed by you. When your dad and I met and got married, we weren't sure if children would be in our future. We were enjoying married life and didn't know if kids were for us. However, we prayed that if children were in our future that God show us and give us that desire. Well, I can so happily say that I am glad He placed the desire for babies on our heart. You are truly the reward that the bible promised you would be!

I love you so much, my sweet angel boy. I will always love you. I hope you carry that with you forever. Nobody loves you like I do.

Oh, and here's what you like this week- Your 19th week of life!







Love,
Momma

Letter 3: Lessons to Learn Early

Bubbies,

You will probably come to dislike that I call you bubbies. I just want you to know ahead of time that it's okay with me if you don't like that pet name and it might embarrass you. I'm still going to call you that. Anyway, that's not what this letter is about.

Today you are 16 weeks old! To the rest of the world, that's almost 4 months. In 11 days to be exact. I try to read to you everyday at some point. I don't feel all that bad when I miss a day because you are only 4 months old, after all! At your first doctors appointment when you were 8 days old the doctor told me to read and sing to you because it will make you smart. So, I read and sing to you everyday since then. I sing to you about everything we do. Literally, I have a song for everything. Daddy even sings along, too. ;) My favorite book to read to you is, "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Suess, of course! It was my favorite book growing up and I love to read it to you. You really love the bright pictures and you love to grab at the book and squeal with delight when you finally grab it. While I was reading it to you this morning for the 50th time, an excerpt from the book brought something to mind. Here is the aforementioned excerpt:

"Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't.
Because sometimes you won't.
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you."

Things like this are lessons that are best learned early. One day, not far from now, you will come to realize that life is sometimes disappointing. People that you love and trust will disappoint you. Your own Mommy and Daddy will certainly disappoint you. Expecting perfection from people will always yield more disappointment than realizing that perfection is unattainable. Jesus is the only person who will never disappoint, and that is why He is God. Set your standards high and don't settle for less than what you want, but don't lose heart when things don't always turn out to be what you expect. Life is a balancing act. You win AND you lose. And it's okay.

There will come a day when you realize that, as much as I will try to make you believe it, I am not Superwoman. And your dad isn't Superman. I am going to do my best to be a good mother to you. I will do everything in my power to raise you in The Word, to protect your innocence, to make you feel loved, to teach you what matters in life, to guide you, to make you feel wanted and needed. However, I am certain I will probably fail you in each of those areas at least once. I'm going to go ahead and apologize in advance.

It's always easier to learn from someone else mistakes. There is nothing wrong with saying, "No." It's just the opposite of yes. If someone is always encouraging you to do things that get you in trouble then you should consider removing that influence from your life. People like that will always get you in trouble, and your parents discipline isn't the worst that is out there. Trust me.

If you have to lie about it then you shouldn't do it. If you feel ashamed of it, reconsider it. If you are bossy then you will find that you play by yourself A LOT. If you are rude, you will find that you play alone A LOT MORE. When you walk into a room full of people, speak to them. Especially if you know everyone in the room. If you don't, that's the fastest way for people to think that you think they are less than you. Even if you are just shy-get over it.

It's really fun to play games and sports, but its okay when you don't win. Learn to lose gracefully and people will always invite you play along. Become a sore loser, and you can bet that you won't lose much. But you won't play much, either.

Learn to forgive people that disappoint. Life is easier when you don't hold grudges. Learn to forgive yourself when you blow it. Learn to ask for forgiveness from others. Especially from God.

Those are just some things that are on my mind for you today. I love you. Nobody loves you like I do!

Love, Momma

Letter 2: Your Birth Story.

Sweet Boy,

Today you are 11 1/2 weeks old. I can't believe that in 12 short days you will be 3 months old. No longer a newborn. The saying, "Time flies," has taken on a whole new meaning since you came into this world. Speaking of, I wanted to tell you how you made your grand appearance! Number one, so if I forget the details, I can refer back to this; and number 2, if you ever want to know about your very first birthday, you can read about it anytime you want for yourself!

On a Sunday night (April 10th), I was getting ready for bed and feeling very tired. Of course I was very tired! I was 39 1/2 weeks pregnant with you! You were due that Wednesday, the 13th, and I was eagerly looking forward to that day because I was scheduled to be induced. I was SO tired, and huge and swollen, and basically OVER being pregnant. In the middle of my bedtime routine, some things began happening that indicated labor may be imminent. However, I also knew that these things sometimes don't indicate labor at all. I called your MiMi (my mommy!) and told her what was happening, and she said that she thought I would probably go into labor in the next 24 hours, but to just go ahead to bed because there was really nothing to be done until labor started. So, I did just that. At about 2:00 that morning, I got up for one of my 100 bathroom trips, and when I got out of bed, my water broke! Trying not to panic, and also not wanting to make something out of nothing, I went to the bathroom and sure enough, it was time to head to the hospital! So, I calmly and quietly woke up your dad and said, "Babe, I think it's time to go to the hospital." We were off and away by 3:00 am.

When we arrived at the hospital we got checked in, and discovered that I had a bit of a fever, but was also told that it's not abnormal for a fever to occur when water breaks before active labor begins. So, we were told not to worry but to gear up for a long labor because I wasn't contracting strongly or frequently at all. By about 7:30-8 am, I was started on pitocin to get my labor moving and contractions strong and frequent. I still had a fever, but wasn't feeling bad or even in all that much pain, so I was pretty happy and excited for your arrival. Once pitocin was started, my pain went from a 2 or 3 to a 7 or 8 in about 5 minutes. Pitocin=poison. Anyway, by about noon I had an epidural and was MUCH happier. However, my labor really wasn't progressing and my contractions weren't strong enough to help me along. So, my doctor hoped that the epidural would allow me to relax and that I would progress faster that way. I was checked again around 3 p.m., again with some progress, but not much and still "weak" contractions. I was given something to reduce my fever, but it wasn't working. I was getting very tired and ready to meet you more and more as the hours passed. By 8 pm that night, I was beginning to feel some pressure. I was sure it was time to push and meet you! Wrong. I was checked and was still only 7 cms dilated. However, as the minutes went by, pressure turned into more pressure, and more pressure turned into pain. I started to panic. The anesthesiologist came and gave me something, and it helped a lot. I relaxed and at about 8:45, my doctor came in a wanted me to try pushing. It wasn't quite time yet, but we had hopes that this would help move things along and get you ready to come out. While pushing, I started to feel that pain again. However, at that time all I could think about what getting you out! I just pushed through the pain, literally, in hopes that you would be out and it would all be over. As I pushed and pushed, my doctor informed me that you simply weren't going to fit. I could try to push if that was what I wanted, but I ran the risk of needing forceps, a vacuum, and potentially having to break your shoulders to get you out. I said, "UH no, C-Section now!" So, my doctor went to get the OR and I was going to be prepared for surgery.

After Dr. Cohen left, I was acutely aware of the pain I was in. I told my nurse and she went to get the anesthesiologist again. He came and gave me more of what he had given me before, but this time not only did it not help, but my pain was getting worse and worse. I was also informed that we would have to wait for the c section, because the OR was in use. It would be at least an hour before I could get in there. Pain turned to agony, and I thought surely I was going to die. I would be the first woman to die from labor pain, because I couldn't survive it. I only thought I was in pain before I got my epidural- HA! That was a cake walk in comparison. I realized shortly that I was able to move my legs. I very quickly realized that my epidural had completely worn off.

Once in the OR, my nurse said that someone needed to move me to the OR table because I had an epidural and was unable to move my legs. I looked at her and said, "That epidural wore off a long time ago, I'll move myself to the table." And I did just that. The anesthesiologist quickly said something to the effect of, "That wore off. I guess she really is in pain." and mommy was, needless to say, very unhappy with him.

Once I was ready for surgery, they let your daddy in to the OR and we were ready for you to be born! I was really having trouble staying awake from all of the pain medication I was given and told your dad, "Please take pictures!" and was in and out of consciousness the whole time. All I remember of your actual birth is your dad saying to me, "I'm crying already, why aren't you crying?!" The doctor saying, "Lauren, can you see him?" and I looked over, saw your feet, and went back to sleep. This makes mommy very sad. I wish it wasn't that way, but we did get pictures so at least I can look back on them.

You were born on Monday, April 11, 2011 at 11:31 p.m. You were 7 lbs 13 0z and 20 inches long. You had red hair and a cone head! I was in labor with you for 21 very long hours. When you were born, you also had a fever, so you were immediately sent to the NICU for a blood culture and antibiotics. It turns out that mommy had a pretty serious infection called "Chorioamnioitits" which is an infection of the amniotic fluid and placenta. The doctors wanted to be sure that you didn't contract my infection, so you had to be in the NICU for at least 3 days while the blood culture was being done. Because of this, mommy didn't get to hold you until 24 hours after you were born because I had surgery and couldn't get out of bed and walk to the NICU. This also makes mommy VERY sad.

Once I did get to hold you, it was a moment I will never forget. I couldn't believe that I was looking at the baby that had been growing inside of my for so long. The baby that had been kicking and squirming in there, and the baby I had been dreaming about. You were here. And you were perfect! You did not end up getting my infection, however, you did end up in the NICU for 6 days due to some other things that cropped up while you were there. You had an episode of apnea, where you stopped breathing after a projectile vomit, and because of that they had to monitor you for 3 additional days. We had to leave the hospital without you, and this made mommy VERY VERY VERY sad. Devastated, in fact.

We brought you home on April 17 and it was a wonderful day! We were finally home as one big happy family, just the way it should be. And that's the way it has been since.

I know it probably seems like my experience was pretty terrible, and it pretty much was. Everything that I thought was going to happen went exactly the opposite, and I had a lot of guilt about it for several weeks. I felt like my body had failed you and I both. All of that said, I would do it all over again for you. You were more than worth all of it. You were the light at the end of the tunnel. More than anything else, I'm glad it happened the way it did. It taught me a lot. It prepared me to expect the unexpected, which is really what motherhood is all about anyway. :)

Back to today: You are having a nap right now. And when you wake up, I will go pick you up and you will have a huge smile on your face when you see me. That is my favorite part of the day. When I go pick you up from your naps. I know you know me and you are happy to see me. You are my little piece of heaven here on earth. I'm so thankful for you. I love you, indeed. Nobody loves you like I do!

Love Always,
Momma

My First Letter To You- June 9, 2011

My Sweet Baby Boy,

I wish I had decided to do this sooner. This is not an original idea. As a matter of fact, I got the idea from a commercial where a dad writes emails to his daughter in hopes of sharing them with her one day. I, too, hope to share these with you one day.

You are growing so fast. Everyday you are becoming more alert (sometimes a little too alert- you are a sleep fighter through and through!) and aware of the world around you. Your sweet gummy grin melts my heart and sometimes brings a tear to my eye. To me, you are simply the most magnificent creature I have ever seen. You are so wonderfully without flaw. You have my nose (sorry about that) and daddies feet. You love to have your head rubbed and you absolutely despise riding in the car. You have gorgeous red hair and creamy white skin. You have the cutest pouty lip when you are about to cry and I have to admit, it makes me laugh. It's absolutely adorable, even though you are not amused one bit! You love your swing most of the time, but I have learned that you like to move around a lot. You are like your dad so much in that way. You are already sleeping through the night- that makes me so very happy! Mommy is a beast when she doesn't sleep well. ;)

I want you to know a few things about me, too. I prayed for you even before you were in my tummy. I prayed for you every night while I was pregnant with you. I prayed that you would be strong and be bold. I prayed that you would love Jesus. I prayed that you follow your heart to wherever it led you, even if that made me sad. I prayed that you would always know that no matter what happens in this life, you would know without a shadow of a doubt that there is someone in this world who loves you completely just the way you are. I still pray these things for you. Oh, I also prayed that you would have red hair. Prayer answered!

I want you to know that you come from 2 people who not only love you, but who love each other very much. I want you to know that your daddy is the best man I have ever met and will ever meet until I am face to face with Jesus. I want you to know that I could not have picked a better man to be the father of my children and you are very lucky to have such a loving and caring daddy. Who, by the way, we lovingly refer to as poppa. ;)

I do love you. You are a blessing from Jesus. An answered prayer. Something beautiful in world that can be very ugly. I just wanted you to know...

Nobody loves you like I do.

Love Always,
Momma